I Quit!

In what has got to be the worst laundry accident since high school, I washed a tube of lipstick–aptly named “marischino”–with a load of my “nice” clothes. I don’t have many “nice” clothes so when I find something I like that meets that qualification, I pay for it. Today I have spent all day treating, retreating, and washing my “nice” clothes, to little avail.

In a separate accident, I have also ruined LaRoca’s favorite dress shirt: a white one from Banana Republic. In my attempt to fix that, I treated and washed it, then left it for so long it had new stains on it when I pulled it out. (I couldn’t make this up if I tried!)

Earlier this month, right after the move, Ad Lib insisted on sleeping with her new decorative throw pillow. And peed on it. So I washed it. Stuffed into the brand new washer with her sheets, comforter, and mattress pad, the brand new pillow came out of the washer ripped to unusable shreds. I guess I overloaded it. Two days later, the washer stopped working and La Roca had to drag it outside and take it apart. The culprit? Pillow fluff in the drain line.

All of that said, I would like to submit my resignation letter:

To Whom It May Concern:

With regard to my position as chief washerwoman, I have repeatedly proven myself to be derelict in my duty. I have developed a habit of only doing the job halfway, misusing company resources and time, and often find myself scrambling to meet deadlines and/or cover my mistakes. It has been amazingly generous of you to give me such an extended probationary period , especially considering my continued poor performance at the work required. I have come to the conclusion that it is no longer fair or reasonable for us to continue to hope for improvement. Clearly, I am not able to rise to the occasion and do this job well. I know that a suitable replacement will be easily found, so my resignation is effective immediately. Again, thank you for your patience, but I think we all know it’s time for me to move on.

Sincerely,
Charlotte